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Dare to lead
BROWN Brené, Dare to lead, London, Vermilion, 2018 "You can’t get to courage without rumbling with vulnerability. Embrace the suck." (p.10) "Self-awareness and self-love matter. Who we are is how we lead." (p.11) "Courage is contagious. To scale daring leadership and build courage in teams and organizations, we have to cultivate a culture in which brave work, tough conversations, and whole hearts are the expectation, and armour is not necessary or rewarded." (p.12) "Roosevelt quote: if we are brave enough often enough, we will fall. Daring is not saying “I’m willing to risk failure.” Daring is saying “I know I will eventually fail, and I’m still all in. I’ve never met a brave person who hasn’t known disappointment, failure, even heartbreak." (p.19) "Get a one inch by one inch piece of paper and write down the names of people whose opinions of you matter. Then take 10 minutes to reach out to those people: I’m getting cleat on whose opinions matter to me. Thank you for being one of those people. I’m grateful that you care enough to be honest and real with me." (p.22) "As someone from your square squad this question: How do I act when I am feeling vulnerable? " (p.24) "During a time of difficult change and uncertainty, daring leaders might sit with their teams and say: These changes are coming in hard and fast, and I know there’s a lot of anxiety – I’m feeling it too, and it’s hard to work through. It’s hard not to take it home, it’s hard not to worry, and it’s easy to want to look for someone to blame. I will share everything I can about the changes with you, as soon as I can. I want to spend the next forty-five minutes rumbling on how we’re all managing the changes. Specifically, what does support from me look like? What questions can I try to answer? Are there any stories you want to check out with me? And any other questions you have? " (p.35) "I’m asking everyone to stay connected and lean into each other during this churn so we can really rumble with what’s going on. In the midst of all of this we still need to produce work that makes us proud. Let’s each write down one thing we need from this group in order to feel okay sharing and asking questions, and one thing that will get in the way." (p.36) (Amy Edmondson on psychological safety) "Simply put, psychological safety makes it possible to give tough feedback and have difficult conversations without the need to tiptoe around the truth. In psychologically safe environments, people believe that if they make a mistake others will not penalise or think less of them for it. They also believe that others will not resent or humiliate them when they ask for help or information. This belief comes about when people both trust and respect each other, and it produces a sense of confidence that the group won’t embarrass, reject, or punish someone for speaking up." (p.36) "Dare to lead by investing twenty minutes in creating psychological safety when you need to rumble." (p.37) "What does support from me look like?" (p.38) "Setting boundaries is making clear what’s okay and what’s not okay, and why." (p.39) "Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind." (p.48) "Permission slips: we each write down one thing that we gave ourselves permission to do or feel for this meeting." (p.53) "Apologising and backing that up with behaviour change is normalized in our organization from onboarding. While some leaders consider apologizing to be a sign of weakness, we teach it as a skill and frame the willingness to apologize and make amends as brave leadership." (p.58) "Leaders must either invest a reasonable amount of time attending to fears and feelings, or squander an unreasonable amount of time trying to manage ineffective and unproductive behaviour." (p.67) "Boundaries: I know this is a tough conversation. Being angry is okay. Yelling is not okay. (...) I know we’re tired and stressed. This has been a long meeting. Being frustrated is okay. Interrupting people and rolling your eyes is not okay. (...) I appreciate the passion around these different opinions and ideas. The emotion is okay. Passive-aggressive comments and put-downs are not okay." (p.68) "Daring leadership is ultimately about serving other people, not ourselves. That’s why we choose courage." (p.69) Daring leadership: 1. Modelling and encouraging healthy striving, empathy and self-compassion 2. Practicing gratitude and celebrating milestones and victories 3. Setting boundaries and finding real comfort 4. Practicing integration – strong back, soft front, wild heart 5. Being a learner and getting it right 6. Modelling clarity, kindness, and hope 7. Making contributions and taking risks 8. Using power with, power to, and power within 9. Knowing your value 10. Cultivating commitment and shared purpose 11. Acknowledging, naming, and normalizing collective fear and uncertainty 12. Modelling and supporting rest, play and recovery 13. Cultivating a culture of belonging, inclusivity, and diverse perspectives 14. Giving gold starts 15. Straight talking and taking action 16. Leading from heart" (p.77) "Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence." (p.79) "Practicing gratitude and celebrating milestones and victories. (...) Embodying and practicing gratitude (...) is allowing yourself to recognize the shiver of vulnerability – that “oh shit, I have something worth losing now” feeling – and to just sit with it, and be grateful that you have something you want, in your hand, that it feels good to hold and recognise. Something as simple as starting or ending meetings with a gratitude check, when everyone shares one thing they’re grateful for, can build trust and connection, serve as container-building, and give your group permission to lean into joy." (p.83) "Recognition program (formal or informal): we’ve got to stop and celebrate one another and our victories, no matter how small. Yes, there’s more work to be done, and things could go sideways in an hour, but that will never take away from the fact that we need to celebrate an accomplishment right now." (p.84) "Setting boundaries and finding real comfort. (...) Cure for numbing. First, when we’re feeling that edge, ask ourselves: what are these feelings and where did they come from? " (p.87) "Practicing integration – strong back, soft front, wild heart. (...) Strong back is grounded confidence and boundaries. The soft front is staying vulnerable and curious. The mark of a wild heart is living out these paradoxes in our lives and not giving into the either/or BS that reduces us. It’s showing up in our vulnerability and our courage, and, above all else, being both fierce and kind." (p.90) "Making contributions and taking risks. (...) In our company, you aren’t allowed to criticize without offering a point of view in return – if you’re going to tear something down, you have to offer a specific plan for how you would rebuild it to make it stronger and more substantial." (p.95) "Using power with, power to, and power within. (...) Power with: has to do with finding common ground among different interests in order to build collective strength. Based on mutual support, solidarity, collaboration, and recognition and respect for differences, power with multiplies individual talents, knowledge, and resources to make a larger impact. (...) Power to: translates to giving everyone on your team agency and acknowledging their unique potential. It is based on the belief that each individual has the power to make a difference, which can be multiplied by new skills, knowledge, awareness, and confidence. (...) Power within: is defined by an ability to recognize differences and respect others, grounded in a strong foundation of self-worth and self-knowledge. When we operate from a place of power within, we feel comfortable challenging assumptions and long-held believes, pushing against the status quo, and asking if there aren’t other ways to achieve the highest common good." (p.97) "Knowing your value. (...) Daring leaders sit down with their team members and have real rumbles with them about the unique contributions they make, so that everyone knows where they’re strong. “Catch people doing things right" (p.98) "Cultivating a culture of belonging, inclusivity, and diverse perspectives. (...) True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are." (p.107) "Giving gold starts. (...) Rewarding others rather than seeking to be rewarded is the only way to continue to grow within an organization, and to fully embody the mantle of daring leadership. (...) It is essential that leadership be one of the explicit priorities for anyone in a role with direct reports." (p.109) "Guilt = I did something bad (...) Shame = I am bad" (p.128) "What to look for in a shaming organization: Perfectionism Favouritism Gossiping Back-channelling Comparison Self-worth tied to productivity Harassment Discrimination Power over Bullying Blaming Teasing Cover-ups" (p.131) "Way out with dignity: (...) Keep that person who will be impacted by your decision squarely in front of you. This person has a family, a career, and a life that will be affected. When you’re delivering the news, be kind. Be clear. Be respectful. Be generous. Can you let the person resign rather than be fired? Can you provide severance pay? Ask the person how they want to let colleagues know about their departure and follow their lead on that if possible. Can you allow a graceful exit, so they retain their dignity? This isn’t about avoiding hard decisions and hard conversations. It’s about knowing that we have all hearts that can be hurt. Great leaders make tough “people decisions” and are tender in implementing them. That’s giving people a way out with dignity." (p.133) "Shame resilience is the ability to practice authenticity when we experience shame, to move through the experience without sacrificing our values, and to come out of the other side of the same experience with more courage, compassion and connection that we had going into it. Ultimately, shame resilience is about moving from shame to empathy – the real antidote to shame." (p.136) "Empathy: in those bad moments, it’s not our job to make things better. It’s just not. Our job is to connect. It’s to take the perspective of someone else. Empathy is not connecting to an experience, it’s connecting to the emotions that underpin an experience." (p.140) "Empathy skill #1: to see the world as others see it, or perspective taking" (p.143) "It’s only when diverse perspectives are included, respected and valued that we can start to get a full picture of the world, who we serve, what they need, and how to successfully meet people where they are." (p.144) "Empathy skill #2: to be non-judgmental" (p.145) "We don’t judge in areas where we feel a strong sense of self-worth and grounded confidence, so the more of that we build, the more we let go of judgement. (...) Empathy skill #3: to understand another person’s feelings (...) Empathy skill #4: to communicate your understanding of that person’s feelings" (p.146) "Empathy is first: I take the perspective of another person, meaning I become the listener and the student, not the knower. Second: I stay out of judgement. And third and fourth: I try to understand what emotion they’re articulating and communicate my understanding of that emotion. (...) Empathy skill #5: mindfulness (...) Taking a balanced approach to negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated"(p.148) "Oh, man. I feel you. I know that feeling and it sucks Me too. I see you. You’re not alone. I’ve been in a similar place and it’s really hard. I think a lot of us experience that. Either we’re all normal or we’re all weird. Either way, it’s not just you. I understand what that’s like Empathy miss #1: sympathy vs empathy “Me too” says I may not have had the exact same experience as you, but I know this struggle, and you are not alone. Empathy miss #2: the gasp and awe Empathy miss #3: the mighty fall Empathy miss #4: the block and tackle Empathy miss #5: the boots and shovel Empathy miss #6: if you think that’s bad… " (p.155) "Empathy is a hard skill to learn because mastery requires practice, and practice means you’ll screw it up big-time more than once. (...) I agree to practice empathy, screw it up, circle back, clean it up and try again. (...) You shared something hard with me, and I wish I had shown up in a different way. I really care about you and what you shared. Can I try again?" (p.157) "Self-kindness: talk to yourself the way you’d talk to someone you love." (p.158) "Recognising shame and understanding its triggers (...) “When in shame, I don’t talk, text or type – I’m not fit for human consumption”. (...) Shame shields: moving away (withdrawing, hiding, silencing ourselves, and keeping secrets); moving toward (seeking to appease and please); moving against (trying to gain power over others by being aggressive, and by using shame to fight shame" (p.161) "You have to have complete confidence about your mastery of that skill so you can focus on other things. In tough conversations, hard meetings, and emotionally charge decision making, leaders need the grounded confidence to stay tethered to their values, respond rather that react emotionally and operate from self-awareness, not self-protection. Having the rumbling skills to hold the tension and discomfort allows us to give care and attention to others, stay open and curious, and meet the challenges." (p.168) ·" Optimism and paranoia · Letting chaos reign (the act of building) and reining in chaos (the act of scaling) · Big heart and tough decision making · Humility and fierce resolve · Velocity and quality when building new things · Left brain and right brain · Simplicity and choice · Thinking global, acting local · Ambition and attention to detail · Thinking big but starting small · Short-term and long-term · Marathons and sprints, or marathon of sprints in business-building" (p.169) "Einstein: “If I had an hour to solve a problem, I’d spend fifty-five minutes thinking about the problem and five minutes thinking about solutions.” “It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with a problem longer”." (p.172) "Rumble starters and questions: 1. The story I make up 2. I’m curious about 3. Tell me more 4. That’s not my experience 5. I’m wondering 6. Help me understand 7. Walk me through 8. We’re both dug in, tell me about your passion around this 9. Tell me why this doesn’tfit/work for you 10. I’m working from these assumptions – what about you? 11. What problem are we trying to solve?" (p.172) "Old saying: “people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care" (p.179) " A value is a way of being or believing that we hold most important. (...) Living into our values means that we do more than profess our values, we practice them. We walk our talk – we are clear about what we believe and hold important, and we take care that our intentions, words, thoughts, and behaviours align with those beliefs." (p.186) "Step one: we can’t live into values that we can’t name" (p.187) "List of values Accountability Achievement Adaptability Adventure Altruism Ambition Authenticity Balance Beauty Being the best Belonging Career Caring Collaboration Commitment Community Compassion Competence Confidence Connection Contentment Contribution Cooperation Courage Creativity Curiosity Dignity Diversity Environment Efficiency Equality Ethics Excellence Fairness Faith Family Financial stability Forgiveness Freedom Friendship Fun Future generations Generosity Giving back Grace Gratitude Growth Harmony Health Home Honesty Hope Humility Humour Inclusion Independence Initiative Integrity Intuition Job security Joy Justice Kindness Knowledge Leadership Learning Legacy Leisure Love Loyalty Making a difference Nature Openness Optimism Order Parenting Patience Patriotism Peace Perseverance Personal fulfilment Power Pride Recognition Reliability Resourcefulness Respect Responsibility Risk taking Safety Security Self-discipline Self-expression Self-respect Serenity Service Simplicity Spirituality Sportsmanship Stewardship Success Teamwork Thrift Time Tradition Travel Trust Truth Understanding Uniqueness Usefulness Vision Vulnerability Wealth Well-being Wholeheartedness Wisdom (p.188) "Integrity – choosing courage over comfort; it’s choosing what’s right over what’s fun, fast or easy; and it’s practicing your values, not just professing them." (p.189) "Step two: taking values from BS to behaviour" (p.190) "Step three: empathy and self-compassion: the two most important seats in the arena. (...) Regardless of the values you pick, daring leaders who live into their values are never silent about hard things." (p.194) "I used to believe that we would always know we’re in our values when the decision comes easily, but I’ve learned as a leader that it’s actually the opposite: I know I’m in my values when a decision is somewhere between tough and really tough." (p.197) "Living into our values and feedback 1. I know I’m ready to give feedback when I’m ready to sit next to you rather than across from you 2. I know I’m ready to give feedback when I’m willing to put the problem in front of us rather than between us (or sliding it toward you) 3. I know I’m ready to give feedback when I’m ready to listen, ask questions and accept that I may not fully understand the issue 4. I know I’m ready to give feedback when I’m ready to acknowledge what you do well instead of just picking apart your mistakes 5. I know I’m ready to give feedback when I recognise your strengths and how you can use them to address your challenges 6. I know I’m ready to give feedback when I can hold you accountable without shaming or blaming 7. I know I’m ready to give feedback when I’m open to owning my part 8. I know I’m ready to give feedback when I can genuinely thank someone for their efforts rather than just criticizing them for their failings 9. I know I’m ready to give feedback when I can talk about how resolving these challenges will lead to growth and opportunity 10. I know I’m ready to give feedback when I can model the vulnerability and openness that I expect to see from you" (p.198) "I always bring my core values to feedback conversations. I allow people to have feelings without taking responsibility for those feelings." (p.202) "Getting good at receiving feedback. (...) “I’m brave enough to listen” (...) “There’s something valuable here, there’s something valuable here. Take what works and leave the rest.” (...) “This is the path to mastery, this is the path to mastery” “these people care about this as much as I do" (p.203) "Values at Brene’s organization: Be brave - I set clear boundaries with others - I lean into difficult conversations - I talk to people, not about them Serve the work - I take responsibility for our community’s and consumers’ experience - I am responsible for the energy I bring to situations, so I work to stay positive - I take ownership of adapting to the fast pace of this environment Take good care - I treat my colleagues with respect and compassion by responding when appropriate in a timely and professional manner - I practice gratitude with my team and colleagues - I am mindful of other people’s time" (p.211) "When I asked my husband if he believed that people are doing the best they can with what they have, he said “I don’t think you can ever know for certain. But I do know that my life is better when I work from the assumption that everyone is doing the best they can." (p.215) "Braving trust Feltman defines trust as “choosing to risk making something you valued vulnerable to another person’s actions.” He describes distrust as deciding that “what is important to me is not safe with this person in this situation (or any situation)”." (p.222) "Article from Fortune’s showed that “trust between managers and employees is the primary defining characteristic of the very best workplaces”: While few leaders would argue against the idea that trust is necessary for building elite performance, not nearly enough realise the height of its importance, and far too many disregard trust-building as a “soft” or “secondary” competency. But in our joint experience, we’ve learned that trust is the one thing that changes everything. It’s not a nice-to-have; it’s a must-have. Without it, every part of your organisation can fall, literally, into disrepair. With trust, all things are possible-most importantly: continuous improvement and sustainable, measurable, tangible results in the marketplace." (p.223) "The braving inventory: Boundaries:you respect my boundaries, and when you’re not clear about what’s okay and not okay, you ask. You’re willing to say no. (...) Reliability: you do what you say you’ll do. At work, this means staying aware of your competencies and limitations so you don’t overpromise and are able to deliver on commitments and balance competing priorities. (...) Accountability: you own your mistakes, apologise, and make amends. (...) Vault: you don’t share information or experiences that are not yours to share. I need to know that my confidences are kept, and that you’re not sharing with me any information about other people that should be confidential. (...) Integrity: you choose courage over comfort. You choose what is right over what is fun, fast or easy. And you choose to practice your values rather than simply professing them. (...) Nonjudgment: I can ask for what I need, and you can ask for what you need. We can talk about how we feel without judgement. We can ask each other for help without judgement. (...) Generosity: you extend the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words and actions of others." (p.225) "Integrity is choosing courage over comfort; it’s choosing what’s right over what’s fun, fast, or easy; and it’s practicing your values, not just professing them." (p.227) "We asked a thousand leaders to list marble-earning behaviours – what do your team members do that earns your trust? The most common answer: asking for help." (p.228) "We can never overestimate the relationship between self-trust and trusting others." (p.238) "Learning to rise The research participants who have the highest levels of resilience can get back up after a disappointment or a fall, and they are more courageous and tenacious as a result of it. They do that with a process that I call Learning to Rise. It has three parts: the reckoning, the rumble, and the revolution." (p.244) "When we have the courage to walk into our story and own it, we get to write the ending. And when we don’t own our stories of failure, setbacks, and hurt – they own us." (p.249) "Risers immediately recognise when they’re emotionally hooked by something: “Hey, something’s got me.” And then they get curious about it. (...) The reckoning is as simple as that: knowing that we’re emotionally hooked and then getting curious about it" (p.250) " Strategies for reckoning your emotions The yoga teacher called it box breathing, the soldiers called it tactical breathing. 1. Inhale deeply through your nose, expanding your stomach, for a count of four. 2. Hold in that breath for a count of four. 3. Slowly exhale all the air through your mouth, contracting your stomach, for a count of four. 4. Hold the empty breath for a count of four. Practicing calm: I define calm as creating perspective and mindfulness while managing emotional reactivity." (p.256) "The rumble: conspiracies, confabulations, and shitty first drafts In the absence of data, we will always make up stories (p.258) The first story we make up is what we call the “shitty first draft”, or the SFD. (p.259) In our SFDs, fear fills in the data gaps. What makes that scary is that stories based on limited data and plentiful imagined data, blended into a coherent, emotionally satisfying version of reality, are called conspiracy theories." (p.260) "Try to capture your SFD before you act on it: The story I’m making up: My emotions: My body: My thinking: My beliefs: My actions: 1. What more do I need to learn and understand about the situation 2. What more do I need to learn and understand about other people in the story 3. What more do I need to learn and understand about myself" (p.263) "Gottschall writes “conspiracy is not limited to the stupid, the ignorant, or the crazy. It is a reflex of the storytelling mind’s compulsive need for meaningful experience" (p.264) "To the conspiratorial mind, shit never just happens” Story rumble Share language, curiosity, grounded confidence, your integrity, your values, and the trust you’re building. 1. Let’s set the intention for the rumble and make sure we are clear about why we’re rumbling. 2. What does everyone need to engage in this process with an open heart and mind? 3. What will get in the way of you showing up? 4. Here’s how we commit to showing up: from #2 and #3. 5. Let’s each share one permission slip 6. What emotions are people experiencing? 7. What do we need to get curious about? 8. What are your SFDs? 9. What do our SFDs tell us about our relationships? About our communication? About leadership? About the culture? About what’s working and what’s not working? 10. Where do we need to rumble? What lines of inquiry do we need to open to better understand what’s really happening and to reality-0check our conspiracy theories and confabulations? 11. What’s the delta between those first SFDs and the new information we’re gather 12. ing in the rumble? 13. What are the key learnings? 14. How do we integrate these key learnings into the culture and leverage them as we work on new strategies? What is one thing each of us will take responsibility for embedding? 15. When is the circle-back? Let’s regroup so we can check back in and hold ourselves and one another accountable for learning and embedding." (p.269) "The revolution 1. The level of collective courage in an organisation is the absolute best predictor of that organisation’s ability to be successful in terms of its culture, to develop leaders, and to meet its mission. 2. The greatest challenge in developing brave leaders is helping them acknowledge and answer their personal call to courage. 3. We fail the minute we let someone else define success for us." (p.271) "The important of a “joy and meaning” list and the power of actually thinking through these questions: when things are going really well in our family, what does it look like? What brings us the most joy? When are we in our zone?" (p.272) "Make your joy and meaning list and make sure that you use it as you define success for yourself." (p.272)